Lost
by Komikron
Summary: Kinshirou had made an uncountable number of calculations about how this talk with Atsushi would end up, but somehow, what had come out after all had absolutely not been on his mind, including all the pain it brought. But what had he actually expected? Atsushi was Atsushi, in the end. [KinAtsu (one-sided) EnAtsu]


**Author's Note:** This fic was, once again, a tumblr promt. This time I got "Mourn Me", which is usually supposed to be a death fic, but I really didn't want to write a death fic for Boueibu... So what I thought is that there are other ways and reasons to mourn the loss of a person as well and wrote this. I have a habit of putting the characters/ships I like into painful situations, so yeah...

Normally, this was not Kinshirou's way of doing things. Rushing home before the actual end of the club activities period, not even greeting his mother as he arrived in his house, slamming the door to his room shut. He didn't even take off his school uniform before letting himself fall onto the bed, face buried into cushions.  
He had expected everything, but not how it went in the end. This was not what he had calculated to happen.

He turned around to face the ceiling, silver hair fell into his eyes and he couldn't really tell if these were tears he felt rising up in them.  
Nevertheless, Kinshirou raised both hands to press them against his green eyes, but it only made things worse, as the darkness prompted his brain to play this particular scene from earlier over and over to his mind again, Atsushi's voice echoing through his head.

There was a faint knock on his door before it opened a little.  
His mother peeked inside, her equally green eyes full of concern.  
"Kin-chan, are you okay? You've never been back from school so early."  
He didn't even bother to look up.  
"I'm just tired, that's all."  
She muttered a little "okay" and closed the door again, leaving him alone. The way he had acted was quite impolite, Kinshirou was very aware of that, but he was way too exhausted to deal with his mother in a more elaborate way. What had happened was not something for his parents to hear anyway. They wouldn't understand.

Unfortunately, his mother had not been enough of a distraction to stop his mind from torturing him any further. Atsushi's voice was still everywhere.

"I'm honored you feel about me this way, Kin-chan, but, you know… the truth is…  
…I'm already with En-chan. Sorry."

It had only been a few weeks since the mess about Zundar, Hireashi and their intergalactic TV show had been resolved and Kinshirou and Atsushi had began to relive their friendship and somewhere along the way, the silver haired boy had realized that deep inside, he had always wanted to be more than just Atsushi's friend.  
He had spent days over days calculating every possible outcome of a scenario in which he'd tell his friend how he actually felt about him. These calculations included so many routes, but for some reason he had never thought about the one this all had actually taken in the end.  
Being accepted, being called a pervert, their friendship breaking apart again, Kinshirou had mentally prepared himself for all of this, but not for how it had actually ended up.

How was he supposed to look into Atsushi's eyes again? He had walked off so childishly without a further word on the matter as disappointment had taken the better of him.  
Kinshirou sat up, leaned against the wall. Nothing had ever hurt so much. Even finding out that the whole Caerula Adamas business had been a giant hoax, with all three of them being powerless puppets used to bring in ratings for an alien television program, had not left such a wound in him. AT that time, he had managed to come back to his senses, to stand up and fight, but here, everything he had managed to do was flee. Atsushi's words had been like a giant dagger running through his heart with all might, blurring his vision with emotional blood so much that he had had no reaction left and his body had moved all on its own, removing him from the scene before he could even realize what had been going on.  
His friend's words kept repeating themselves in his head, as if they were floating through the air in his room. He wanted to grab them and throw them out, get rid of them finally, so that they couldn't haunt him anymore.

He felt a vibration in his pocket.  
His phone display informed him of a couple of new messages from different people. Of course, most of them came from Atsushi, but luckily not all. He would be unable to read a whole heap of Atsushi's texts right now without slamming his phone to a wall or something like that.  
He opened the first one.

_Kinshirou, you left so early today, what happened? Akoya is worried too (I think)…_

_Kin-chan, I'm sorry about earlier (´Д` ) Let's talk?_

_President, are you really not coming today? We'll call activities off for the rest of the day, then._

_I know it's a stupid situation right now and I don't want to push you, but I really think we need to talk about this. Please call me whenever you like, I'll be waiting._

_Sorry if I'm being annoying, thoughヾ__(_ _。）_

Kinshirou didn't even read the fourth and fifth message Atsushi had left, he knew what they were about anyway. He clenched his phone in his hand, enough to see the skin turning white.  
It started to hurt, but not enough to drown the pain in his chest, his head, everywhere.

Sorry, sorry, Atsushi was always sorry.  
Even though once again there was no need for him to apologize, it had been Kinshirou's own stupid idea, his own stupid feelings that had brought them into this situation in the first place. It was him who should apologize, but what would that change?  
Nothing. Atsushi was lost for him.  
How were they ever supposed to look at each other the same way as before? They say if feelings get in the way of friendships, all hope is lost. Atsushi was lost.  
And it would always hurt. Looking at Atsushi would always hurt and Kinshirou did not want to always hurt.  
This Yufuin-guy had won, hadn't he? He had already won back then, in middle school. Kinshirou should have known.  
Maybe he should just give up.

Kinshirou clenched his mobile even stronger, he felt hot tears rising up in the corners of his eyes.  
He had to do something before breaking out in tears, before turning into a stupid, weak, confused mess and what he did was throwing the phone away as far as he could. He saw it bouncing off the floor, sliding along it for a few inches before it came to a stop, scratched, but rather okay.  
And they say modern devices break easily…  
In fact, Kinshirou would have preferred if his phone was broken now, it would mean he didn't have to read Atsushi's texts anymore and would give him a good reason for never replying.  
But unfortunately, modern devices don't break all that easily in the end.

And even more unfortunately, the phone had somehow dialed a number, because Kinshirou could suddenly hear the typical beeps it made when doing so. Maybe the impact had broken its system, after all.  
He didn't really care. The silver haired boy leaned down to one side, returning his head to one soft cushion. Whoever would be picking up, he did not care at all.  
Or so he thought.

"Kin-chan?"

A sting in his heart.  
For a moment, Kinshirou couldn't even tell if that voice was just in his head, memories of earlier, or if it came from his phone. When the same words, repeated themselves, but sounded slightly different, more worried, it was clear which number his phone had dialed.  
The student council president rose from his bed again, knot in his throat. He started at the phone in disbelief.  
This couldn't be true. What had he done to be punished like that?

"Kin-chan, I'm glad you called. Now, listen… I don't want to hurt you, at all, but I just don't feel for you this way. But I do for En-chan, and even if I could choose I wouldn't want to change that. I know what kind of situation you're in right now, believe me, and I know it's probably hard for you to think about at the moment, but I really, really want us to stay friends, okay?  
Please, Kin-chan, I'm sure we can work this out."

Kinshirou had long buried his head in his cushions again, he didn't want to listen to all this. But somehow, no matter how many pillows he threw over his head, Atsushi still managed to make his way into his ears. No matter what he did, Atsushi still reached him.  
When he looked up again, there was a small, dark wet spot on the lowest pillow.  
Atsushi hadn't said anything for a while now. Kinshirou hoped he had hung up already.

"Kin-chan…  
Maybe… maybe it's really better if we stay apart for a bit, until everyone's cooled down. I don't know… But I know that I want to stay friends with you. I want you to be happy. I'm sure there's someone out there who can make you much happier than me."

The boy rose again, slowly made his way off his bed and across the room towards his phone. He wanted to say something, to tell Atsushi so many things, but he couldn't. He wanted to shout at him, blame him for everything, why was him of all people he had to fall in love with.  
But what would it help? What would it change?  
He couldn't get Atsushi, and that was that. Even if they somehow managed to stay friends, it would never be like before.  
Something was lost forever.

He sighed and was about to pick up his phone as Atsushi's voice rose once again.

"Anyway, sorry about all this, Kin-chan. If you still want to be friends, then you can always come back to me, I'll be waiting.  
Bye."

Kinshirou kept listening to his phone as it kept on producing "doot-doot" sounds after Atsushi had hung up for so long he couldn't even tell how long anymore. After a while, he finally knelt down, picked it up and turned it off. Thinking about throwing it around the room once more, the boy changed his mind quickly, turned it on again and opened a new message.

_I'll think about it._

He would, but at the moment he doubted it could change anything about their situation.  
Surely, in one way or another, no matter what he did, he had lost Atsushi.

Normally, this was not Kinshirou's way of doing things. Rushing home before the actual end of the club activities period, not even greeting his mother as he arrived in his house, slamming the door to his room shut. He didn't even take off his school uniform before letting himself fall onto the bed, face buried into cushions.  
He had expected everything, but not how it went in the end. This was not what he had calculated to happen.

He turned around to face the ceiling, silver hair fell into his eyes and he couldn't really tell if these were tears he felt rising up in them.  
Nevertheless, Kinshirou raised both hands to press them against his green eyes, but it only made things worse, as the darkness prompted his brain to play this particular scene from earlier over and over to his mind again, Atsushi's voice echoing through his head.

There was a faint knock on his door before it opened a little.  
His mother peeked inside, her equally green eyes full of concern.  
"Kin-chan, are you okay? You've never been back from school so early."  
He didn't even bother to look up.  
"I'm just tired, that's all."  
She muttered a little "okay" and closed the door again, leaving him alone. The way he had acted was quite impolite, Kinshirou was very aware of that, but he was way too exhausted to deal with his mother in a more elaborate way. What had happened was not something for his parents to hear anyway. They wouldn't understand.

Unfortunately, his mother had not been enough of a distraction to stop his mind from torturing him any further. Atsushi's voice was still everywhere.

"I'm honored you feel about me this way, Kin-chan, but, you know… the truth is…  
…I'm already with En-chan. Sorry."

It had only been a few weeks since the mess about Zundar, Hireashi and their intergalactic TV show had been resolved and Kinshirou and Atsushi had began to relive their friendship and somewhere along the way, the silver haired boy had realized that deep inside, he had always wanted to be more than just Atsushi's friend.  
He had spent days over days calculating every possible outcome of a scenario in which he'd tell his friend how he actually felt about him. These calculations included so many routes, but for some reason he had never thought about the one this all had actually taken in the end.  
Being accepted, being called a pervert, their friendship breaking apart again, Kinshirou had mentally prepared himself for all of this, but not for how it had actually ended up.

How was he supposed to look into Atsushi's eyes again? He had walked off so childishly without a further word on the matter as disappointment had taken the better of him.  
Kinshirou sat up, leaned against the wall. Nothing had ever hurt so much. Even finding out that the whole Caerula Adamas business had been a giant hoax, with all three of them being powerless puppets used to bring in ratings for an alien television program, had not left such a wound in him. AT that time, he had managed to come back to his senses, to stand up and fight, but here, everything he had managed to do was flee. Atsushi's words had been like a giant dagger running through his heart with all might, blurring his vision with emotional blood so much that he had had no reaction left and his body had moved all on its own, removing him from the scene before he could even realize what had been going on.  
His friend's words kept repeating themselves in his head, as if they were floating through the air in his room. He wanted to grab them and throw them out, get rid of them finally, so that they couldn't haunt him anymore.

He felt a vibration in his pocket.  
His phone display informed him of a couple of new messages from different people. Of course, most of them came from Atsushi, but luckily not all. He would be unable to read a whole heap of Atsushi's texts right now without slamming his phone to a wall or something like that.  
He opened the first one.

_Kinshirou, you left so early today, what happened? Akoya is worried too (I think)…_

_Kin-chan, I'm sorry about earlier (´Д` ) Let's talk?_

_President, are you really not coming today? We'll call activities off for the rest of the day, then._

_I know it's a stupid situation right now and I don't want to push you, but I really think we need to talk about this. Please call me whenever you like, I'll be waiting._

_Sorry if I'm being annoying, thoughヾ__(_ _。）_

Kinshirou didn't even read the fourth and fifth message Atsushi had left, he knew what they were about anyway. He clenched his phone in his hand, enough to see the skin turning white.  
It started to hurt, but not enough to drown the pain in his chest, his head, everywhere.

Sorry, sorry, Atsushi was always sorry.  
Even though once again there was no need for him to apologize, it had been Kinshirou's own stupid idea, his own stupid feelings that had brought them into this situation in the first place. It was him who should apologize, but what would that change?  
Nothing. Atsushi was lost for him.  
How were they ever supposed to look at each other the same way as before? They say if feelings get in the way of friendships, all hope is lost. Atsushi was lost.  
And it would always hurt. Looking at Atsushi would always hurt and Kinshirou did not want to always hurt.  
This Yufuin-guy had won, hadn't he? He had already won back then, in middle school. Kinshirou should have known.  
Maybe he should just give up.

Kinshirou clenched his mobile even stronger, he felt hot tears rising up in the corners of his eyes.  
He had to do something before breaking out in tears, before turning into a stupid, weak, confused mess and what he did was throwing the phone away as far as he could. He saw it bouncing off the floor, sliding along it for a few inches before it came to a stop, scratched, but rather okay.  
And they say modern devices break easily…  
In fact, Kinshirou would have preferred if his phone was broken now, it would mean he didn't have to read Atsushi's texts anymore and would give him a good reason for never replying.  
But unfortunately, modern devices don't break all that easily in the end.

And even more unfortunately, the phone had somehow dialed a number, because Kinshirou could suddenly hear the typical beeps it made when doing so. Maybe the impact had broken its system, after all.  
He didn't really care. The silver haired boy leaned down to one side, returning his head to one soft cushion. Whoever would be picking up, he did not care at all.  
Or so he thought.

"Kin-chan?"

A sting in his heart.  
For a moment, Kinshirou couldn't even tell if that voice was just in his head, memories of earlier, or if it came from his phone. When the same words, repeated themselves, but sounded slightly different, more worried, it was clear which number his phone had dialed.  
The student council president rose from his bed again, knot in his throat. He started at the phone in disbelief.  
This couldn't be true. What had he done to be punished like that?

"Kin-chan, I'm glad you called. Now, listen… I don't want to hurt you, at all, but I just don't feel for you this way. But I do for En-chan, and even if I could choose I wouldn't want to change that. I know what kind of situation you're in right now, believe me, and I know it's probably hard for you to think about at the moment, but I really, really want us to stay friends, okay?  
Please, Kin-chan, I'm sure we can work this out."

Kinshirou had long buried his head in his cushions again, he didn't want to listen to all this. But somehow, no matter how many pillows he threw over his head, Atsushi still managed to make his way into his ears. No matter what he did, Atsushi still reached him.  
When he looked up again, there was a small, dark wet spot on the lowest pillow.  
Atsushi hadn't said anything for a while now. Kinshirou hoped he had hung up already.

"Kin-chan…  
Maybe… maybe it's really better if we stay apart for a bit, until everyone's cooled down. I don't know… But I know that I want to stay friends with you. I want you to be happy. I'm sure there's someone out there who can make you much happier than me."

The boy rose again, slowly made his way off his bed and across the room towards his phone. He wanted to say something, to tell Atsushi so many things, but he couldn't. He wanted to shout at him, blame him for everything, why was him of all people he had to fall in love with.  
But what would it help? What would it change?  
He couldn't get Atsushi, and that was that. Even if they somehow managed to stay friends, it would never be like before.  
Something was lost forever.

He sighed and was about to pick up his phone as Atsushi's voice rose once again.

"Anyway, sorry about all this, Kin-chan. If you still want to be friends, then you can always come back to me, I'll be waiting.  
Bye."

Kinshirou kept listening to his phone as it kept on producing "doot-doot" sounds after Atsushi had hung up for so long he couldn't even tell how long anymore. After a while, he finally knelt down, picked it up and turned it off. Thinking about throwing it around the room once more, the boy changed his mind quickly, turned it on again and opened a new message.

_I'll think about it._

He would, but at the moment he doubted it could change anything about their situation.  
Surely, in one way or another, no matter what he did, he had lost Atsushi.

Normally, this was not Kinshirou's way of doing things. Rushing home before the actual end of the club activities period, not even greeting his mother as he arrived in his house, slamming the door to his room shut. He didn't even take off his school uniform before letting himself fall onto the bed, face buried into cushions.  
He had expected everything, but not how it went in the end. This was not what he had calculated to happen.

He turned around to face the ceiling, silver hair fell into his eyes and he couldn't really tell if these were tears he felt rising up in them.  
Nevertheless, Kinshirou raised both hands to press them against his green eyes, but it only made things worse, as the darkness prompted his brain to play this particular scene from earlier over and over to his mind again, Atsushi's voice echoing through his head.

There was a faint knock on his door before it opened a little.  
His mother peeked inside, her equally green eyes full of concern.  
"Kin-chan, are you okay? You've never been back from school so early."  
He didn't even bother to look up.  
"I'm just tired, that's all."  
She muttered a little "okay" and closed the door again, leaving him alone. The way he had acted was quite impolite, Kinshirou was very aware of that, but he was way too exhausted to deal with his mother in a more elaborate way. What had happened was not something for his parents to hear anyway. They wouldn't understand.

Unfortunately, his mother had not been enough of a distraction to stop his mind from torturing him any further. Atsushi's voice was still everywhere.

"I'm honored you feel about me this way, Kin-chan, but, you know… the truth is…  
…I'm already with En-chan. Sorry."

It had only been a few weeks since the mess about Zundar, Hireashi and their intergalactic TV show had been resolved and Kinshirou and Atsushi had began to relive their friendship and somewhere along the way, the silver haired boy had realized that deep inside, he had always wanted to be more than just Atsushi's friend.  
He had spent days over days calculating every possible outcome of a scenario in which he'd tell his friend how he actually felt about him. These calculations included so many routes, but for some reason he had never thought about the one this all had actually taken in the end.  
Being accepted, being called a pervert, their friendship breaking apart again, Kinshirou had mentally prepared himself for all of this, but not for how it had actually ended up.

How was he supposed to look into Atsushi's eyes again? He had walked off so childishly without a further word on the matter as disappointment had taken the better of him.  
Kinshirou sat up, leaned against the wall. Nothing had ever hurt so much. Even finding out that the whole Caerula Adamas business had been a giant hoax, with all three of them being powerless puppets used to bring in ratings for an alien television program, had not left such a wound in him. AT that time, he had managed to come back to his senses, to stand up and fight, but here, everything he had managed to do was flee. Atsushi's words had been like a giant dagger running through his heart with all might, blurring his vision with emotional blood so much that he had had no reaction left and his body had moved all on its own, removing him from the scene before he could even realize what had been going on.  
His friend's words kept repeating themselves in his head, as if they were floating through the air in his room. He wanted to grab them and throw them out, get rid of them finally, so that they couldn't haunt him anymore.

He felt a vibration in his pocket.  
His phone display informed him of a couple of new messages from different people. Of course, most of them came from Atsushi, but luckily not all. He would be unable to read a whole heap of Atsushi's texts right now without slamming his phone to a wall or something like that.  
He opened the first one.

_Kinshirou, you left so early today, what happened? Akoya is worried too (I think)…_

_Kin-chan, I'm sorry about earlier (´Д` ) Let's talk?_

_President, are you really not coming today? We'll call activities off for the rest of the day, then._

_I know it's a stupid situation right now and I don't want to push you, but I really think we need to talk about this. Please call me whenever you like, I'll be waiting._

_Sorry if I'm being annoying, thoughヾ__(_ _。）_

Kinshirou didn't even read the fourth and fifth message Atsushi had left, he knew what they were about anyway. He clenched his phone in his hand, enough to see the skin turning white.  
It started to hurt, but not enough to drown the pain in his chest, his head, everywhere.

Sorry, sorry, Atsushi was always sorry.  
Even though once again there was no need for him to apologize, it had been Kinshirou's own stupid idea, his own stupid feelings that had brought them into this situation in the first place. It was him who should apologize, but what would that change?  
Nothing. Atsushi was lost for him.  
How were they ever supposed to look at each other the same way as before? They say if feelings get in the way of friendships, all hope is lost. Atsushi was lost.  
And it would always hurt. Looking at Atsushi would always hurt and Kinshirou did not want to always hurt.  
This Yufuin-guy had won, hadn't he? He had already won back then, in middle school. Kinshirou should have known.  
Maybe he should just give up.

Kinshirou clenched his mobile even stronger, he felt hot tears rising up in the corners of his eyes.  
He had to do something before breaking out in tears, before turning into a stupid, weak, confused mess and what he did was throwing the phone away as far as he could. He saw it bouncing off the floor, sliding along it for a few inches before it came to a stop, scratched, but rather okay.  
And they say modern devices break easily…  
In fact, Kinshirou would have preferred if his phone was broken now, it would mean he didn't have to read Atsushi's texts anymore and would give him a good reason for never replying.  
But unfortunately, modern devices don't break all that easily in the end.

And even more unfortunately, the phone had somehow dialed a number, because Kinshirou could suddenly hear the typical beeps it made when doing so. Maybe the impact had broken its system, after all.  
He didn't really care. The silver haired boy leaned down to one side, returning his head to one soft cushion. Whoever would be picking up, he did not care at all.  
Or so he thought.

"Kin-chan?"

A sting in his heart.  
For a moment, Kinshirou couldn't even tell if that voice was just in his head, memories of earlier, or if it came from his phone. When the same words, repeated themselves, but sounded slightly different, more worried, it was clear which number his phone had dialed.  
The student council president rose from his bed again, knot in his throat. He started at the phone in disbelief.  
This couldn't be true. What had he done to be punished like that?

"Kin-chan, I'm glad you called. Now, listen… I don't want to hurt you, at all, but I just don't feel for you this way. But I do for En-chan, and even if I could choose I wouldn't want to change that. I know what kind of situation you're in right now, believe me, and I know it's probably hard for you to think about at the moment, but I really, really want us to stay friends, okay?  
Please, Kin-chan, I'm sure we can work this out."

Kinshirou had long buried his head in his cushions again, he didn't want to listen to all this. But somehow, no matter how many pillows he threw over his head, Atsushi still managed to make his way into his ears. No matter what he did, Atsushi still reached him.  
When he looked up again, there was a small, dark wet spot on the lowest pillow.  
Atsushi hadn't said anything for a while now. Kinshirou hoped he had hung up already.

"Kin-chan…  
Maybe… maybe it's really better if we stay apart for a bit, until everyone's cooled down. I don't know… But I know that I want to stay friends with you. I want you to be happy. I'm sure there's someone out there who can make you much happier than me."

The boy rose again, slowly made his way off his bed and across the room towards his phone. He wanted to say something, to tell Atsushi so many things, but he couldn't. He wanted to shout at him, blame him for everything, why was him of all people he had to fall in love with.  
But what would it help? What would it change?  
He couldn't get Atsushi, and that was that. Even if they somehow managed to stay friends, it would never be like before.  
Something was lost forever.

He sighed and was about to pick up his phone as Atsushi's voice rose once again.

"Anyway, sorry about all this, Kin-chan. If you still want to be friends, then you can always come back to me, I'll be waiting.  
Bye."

Kinshirou kept listening to his phone as it kept on producing "doot-doot" sounds after Atsushi had hung up for so long he couldn't even tell how long anymore. After a while, he finally knelt down, picked it up and turned it off. Thinking about throwing it around the room once more, the boy changed his mind quickly, turned it on again and opened a new message.

_I'll think about it._

He would, but at the moment he doubted it could change anything about their situation.  
Surely, in one way or another, no matter what he did, he had lost Atsushi.


End file.
